Clean Slate

I see that it's been a while.

I've been on a lengthy vacation from spewing inner thoughts, mostly because they were all very negative and nothing that I would have been proud of.

I have gone through a serious transition in the last 3 years. Everything was going great - seriously - and then all of a sudden, it all was pulled out from under me. Very quickly. But unlike dishes on a magician's tablecloth, I was unfortunately not left standing. The artist formerly known as "James" ran out of money and couldn't afford to pay me anymore, so I lost my job. The other artist formerly known as "Jack Dick" didn't make good on some romantic promises that I believed in (perhaps foolishly) and was really excited about, which crushed me. So homelife with my roommate of 5+ years was subsequently falling apart. Within a month's time, I went from having the world on a string to being an unemployed, heartbroken, super boozy Hot Mess. Didn't get off the couch for 6 months. Ate nothing but pizza and pastries. I was a cliche. Amazing how that happens sometimes.

It's been a long, hard crawl back to the sunlight. Sometimes, I would think that I had made it to the top, only to round the corner and see that the hill continued upward. Maybe in a month, I will feel the same way, but for now I feel amazing. Hopeful, even.

Lots of things have changed since 2007, so to recap:

• Emily is 3 years old now. She's able to tell me what's on her mind and how she feels. It's incredible getting to know her.
  
• She has a 1 year old brother named Mister Brother, naturally. He's very laid back and a natural born Yankees fan. I can feel it.
• Finding opportunity in chaos, I am now a homeowner.
• I did not end up leaving the music business, though I still fantasize about it often.
• I have gained 50 lbs. Therefore the following is true:
  
• For fun, I train for triathlons. Albeit, little ones. But it regularly kicks my ass.

Conversely, some things have not changed:

• I still have ridiculous friends.
• My niece and nephew rule my universe.
• I still love to have a good time. Obviously.

So a couple quick things before we jump right back in:


About the house:



My little bungalow was built in 1929. It's all of the things that were on my Fridge Fantasy List for years and years: small house, hardwood floors, with a small front yard / big back yard, big front porch, and many shade trees. Check. All of them. Every day when I come home, I feel like I'm in a dream. It's still pretty empty since I moved from a 1BR apartment, but I'm working on filling it with soft light and throw blankets, as well as adding my touch to each room.

The kitchen has a big blank wall that is SCREAMING to be painted like a chalkboard and used by anyone who feels like they'd like to adorn it. One of my first projects is to paint it and then regularly post photos of its evolution.

There is also a "garage" in the back yard that I'll be tearing down in the next 2 weeks. By myself probably. Good times.

---

About everything else:

A couple weeks ago, I was confronted with being in the same room as the people I thought wronged me, and I just let go. Of all the grudges I was diligently tending like a little memory garden of rage, and all of the sadness I would half-assed fight as I turned my radio dial past the country station. None of it mattered anymore.

So now everything else seems like the blank slate that is my kitchen wall. I am embracing, for the first time in a while, making my life whatever I want it to be. I don't feel constrained by the hurt and anger and confusion that I did for a very long time. It turned me into someone who I usually am not, and it drained me of all my energy, creativity, and deep inner happiness. And it's just not worth it.

I'm happy now, and it's because I choose to be. Which makes it even sweeter.